"Writing was something for me to muse about while I tread water out in that cruel ocean."
"When I was fifteen, only less than a year ago, while other teenagers went out to gatherings and clubs to party the night away with their friends, I was at home, fighting for my life in a way that no one should have to. I had an enemy that I couldn't even see. Nobody hurt me. Nobody manipulated me. My enemy was inside me, and every single day was a battle to survive.
It was depression.
The days seemed twenty times longer than they should have been. I felt exhausted all day but couldn't sleep at night. I withdrew into myself. It grew so bad that at nights I'd sit for up to an hour on the kitchen floor, the knives above me in their block, tempting me so much. Sometimes I held them and examined them. Sometimes I even tested how sharp they were.
Life, I believed, was pointless. Not like the knives up there on the bench. While some people would shrug that thought off and go on with life, it threatened to consume me. I wanted to live for something, but I told myself I wanted to die.
Yet I kept going. The days seemed so dark, and in my memory they still are, but I can remember one thing - one of my best friends, Taya, pulling me through each day, talking to me, comforting me, giving me tiny tools to survive. Giving me something to float with on the cold sea before the rescuers came.
In stories, main characters usually have one person (usually a love interest) who stumbles across them and saves them. I wasn't so lucky. The only person who could save me was too far away to do more than throw that rubber ring to me. She could do nothing but watch as I clung to it.
What seemed like the darkest night of my life, I finally called for help. I went upstairs at three in the morning and asked my mum for a hug. She saw how distressed I was. She took me to the doctor, who recommended us to specialists. I was put on medication. I had a relapse on New Year's Day this year when I decided 'to hell with this!' and sliced my arm up with a broken glass, but aside from that, it was a smooth ride. While a lot of depression patients still fight their battles years after diagnosis, I'm already free.
I've been off medication for two months and only once have I ever thought that I might need them again - and that was a brief thought. Since then, I haven't looked back. I've turned from a pessimist to an optimist - to such an extent that it's starting to annoy people. ;)
Looking back on it, I realize it's NaNo that brought me here.
I was thirteen years old when I discovered it; thirteen and bored. Writing had become something that was only on the side for me. Dreams of being the next J.K. Rowling had been replaced by reality's 'Don't you dare even think you can do that' attitude, along with, 'You can't do it.' Writing was a dim candle that almost blew out. I never finished anything I started, but when I discovered NaNo, I decided, 'What the hell!'
NaNoWriMo turned it into a raging bonfire. It grew from a hobby into a full-blown passion. I met the Sporkers (and later the best friend who saved my life). Writing was something for me to muse about while I tread water out in that cruel ocean. The sole star in the sky. One day I'd be a writer, I told myself while I was out there. The depression said otherwise, but that didn't stop that star shining.
NaNo saved my life. It saved me from myself. I can't even imagine what would have happened to me back in those long months if I didn't have writing, or my best friend T with me. I don't think I would have gone to Mum for that hug. I'd have done a lot more damage that New Year's Day. If I wasn't dead, I'd be close to it. I've learned to live again, I'm starting to thrive, and I'm daring to dream big again. I won't be sitting in anyone's seat. I won't be the next anything. I'll set the new standards. Just you wait.
Chris Baty saved me that day he suggested writing 50,000 words in a month. A lot of people wouldn't have voiced the idea even if they had it. They'd have wanted to save face.
But voicing it could save so much more.
Thank you, Chris. <3 So much.
Oh. New standards or not, I'm still going to nudge Rowling out of her seat. ;) Just you wait."
--Zora Wood
Zora Wood currently lives in Sydney, Australia with two pet ferrets, two crazy birds and an abundance of cliches. She rides kangaroos to work, and has done and won NaNoWriMo every year since 2005.
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